Resume for Candidate #2
I am applying for the position of Vice President of Image Design. I know you don't have a position open for that title so why don't you just go make one. In order for you to have the pleasure of having me on your staff you'll have to meet my qualifications. Please see the list below for me to consider you as a potential employer.
I have flexible hours. After I wake up naturally, drink a pot of coffee, take a leisurely shower, then I'll think about strolling into work. There better be something there good to eat when I get there. My hours are when I friggin' get there and when I take a notion to leave. I don't do nights or weekends. I work to live, not live to work. Thank you very much.
When I arrive at the office I expect a bunch of Hail Mary's when I walk through the door and have the red carpet rolled out that leads me to my office. Speaking of office, don't even think of putting me in a fucking cubicle. I demand a large office with a window and a door. If I want to take a nap I'm going to want to lock you assholes out of my little kingdom.
I expect an exurbanite salary, let's start the bidding at 150K. This is my life your trying to buy and I don't come cheap. My base salary is just for agreeing to work for you, like actually being there. If you want me to do anything, that's extra and there better be a pretty please at the end of your request.
My lunch hour is mine. Don't even think about a lunch meeting. My lunch hour is the same as my work hours, when I decide to go - when I decide to come back...if I decide to come back.
I expect a company outing every Friday afternoon and beer in the fridge at all times. It is mandatory the cabinets be stocked with munchie's at all times. I don't eat out of vending machines. I want the good bottled water too.
As for vacation and sick time, I demand 5 weeks vacation starting from day one and sick time is unlimited just in case I get sick of looking at you guys.
401k is to be doubled what I put in, not matched. Must have free insurance and I need a Jaguar as a hiring bonus with a years worth of free gas.
You may think I'm asking a lot but trust me, I'm worth it.
Not Your Mama2
Dear Not Your Mama2,
As a BubbaSoft executive, your exquisite resume is quite impressive. We'll have to give this our immediate attention, perhaps some time later this week, maybe later this month, or whenever we decide to come back from our whirlwind tours in Europe. Good luck, we're all counting on you.
Thanks for considering us at BubbaSoft. Remember, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely, respectfully and then some,
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